Now I know this picture might make you think otherwise, but a better me is born. Becoming a father is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I've been saying that a Juan Johnson 3.0 is coming , and I have this thing about taking a long time to make decisions but sticking to them once they're made. This new me is about minding my own path. I guess I became a little caught up with all the hardships going on in my life. Brother in jail, my fiancee's father passing, my family's family passing. But, today, I realized it had reflected in my writing. Heck I even gained a little weight. Regardless though, I feel know that my mania is actually shifting into positive gear. I guess on the inside I'm cold and heartless because so much stuff I pray for not to happen happens. The thing is the more I think about it, I can't help to wonder if that's what it really is. Why do I put on such a positive act ? I feel like its because of the people around me hurting me because of their situation that I feel as if I have no choice but to be a super motivational influence and not worry about things that are out of my control. I feel like this blog made completely no sense.
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Mental Illness and early death. I just did a show N. Carolina, and had my wallet stolen so basically it was a promo show. Super surprisingly , I did not freak out. I think even the service desk was a bit amazed. I say that to say this, I've read that people with mental illness have a shorter life expectancy than people without it. Im older than my wife and I obviously think about me passing before her. I don't understand why today I hadn't took my medicine (and i still have't ) and loosing 800 dollars didn't make me flip out. When I get falsely accused of cheating I actually loose it. Why !? I have no idea. It makes me think, how is this stress affecting my brain. Am I getting wiser and learning to let material things go or Will I blow up later randomly reacting to this situation. One of the main reasons, I want to help people with mental illness is because it saddens me to know that we might have to go early. For example, a person with depression has smaller chances of working out, and other healthy practices because of their symptoms. It's hard when one part of your brain is crying to exercise but is overpowered by the bigger part that says your useless so why try. You have to experience the symptom to truly understand how it feels. I can read about France all day , but if I've never been, I' m not going to try to explain how France is. I'm going to be trained by the the U.S. Department of Health and human services on the new Obama care plan and how to teach people how to apply. In addition to that I am going to focus on promoting holistic health practices. Today, it's what made me say , "oh well 899 dollars gone, but I have my passport and can make it back home. My baby is in good health and on the way. I'm alive and in good health. Plus , the fact that I just came back from my 3 rd time iN Carolina and did 2 shows !! Look at the POSITIVE not the negative . " It is 8:00 am. I went to sleep at 6:00 am. I am wide awake. I took my medicine. I'm finishing a project. I can't go back to sleep. I'm focused. I'm excited. I'll work until I'm sleepy, but will that happen ? ----- You can quote me on all that. Sometimes my mania, I believe drives me to work all night on things. I know I benefit greatly from sleep, but sometimes the feeling can be quite addictive. The feeling of being fully engaged in your work, and not being distracted by my adhd, is beyond amazing and better than any drug I've ever tried. See, this is where I get worried. There can be a thin line between my ambition and my mania. How do you identify when you're on a magic carpet ride. Workflow. Workflow. Workflow. Having bipolar, I can't stand sitting jobs. I get restless, and I start to think things. I have to move around. Also, there are times when I get anxious or manic episodes that make me uncomfortable at the workplace. This is one of the main reason why I love to be self-employed. I've as of late had to have a 2nd job as a waiter because my music slowed down as far as touring. When you're self employed , you're boss understands my condition a lot better. Although I know I should be sleeping, and I recognize that it's a mix of mania and ambition that has me multi-tasking as a shit here bloggin/video edit/clean up around the house, I love every second of it. I know that I'll come of this natural productive high, but for right now I can work away and be because I'm the only one awake. These are the rare moments when I actually get to enjoy mi disorder by myself. So, with that being said. Back to mulit-tasking. WHO DO I TALK TO ? NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME ?
Danger: I have feelings. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a sign with this posted on my head. Emotions. Emotions. Emotions. What is one to do when your heart is pumping mania through your veins. The ever so popular phrases "Flew off the handle" and "snapping on people" come to mind. One thing that struck a chord with a lot of peers I spoke with was that we didn't mean half the things we said. Why does it feel so right though ? I'm sure everyone has their own reasons. I mean doesn't everyone "loose it " every now and then ? Perhaps, but when I loose it, it is far from pretty. Here are some things that have helped me in the past. 1) Suicide Hotlines: To some this might take courage to do, and to some it might be classified as cheesy, but It's actually helped me out. The reason this is good for me, is because thepeople working these hotlines, sometimes times volunteer out of the goodness of their heart and have had some type of training. The other thing is that it can become embarrassing calling Billy Joe for the 3rd time this week because you turned your house upside down at 6am arguing with your girlfriend over something that happened last year. I've noticed that we as people sometimes can really open up to a complete stranger. We don't have to see them again. They don't know our history. They are the emergency ears that have been my last resort. If it wasn't for them I would have probably committed some serious crimes. Maybe even take my life. http://www.suicidehotlines.com/texas.html 2) Journal/Diary : I don't know how to explain it , but there's something about writing down your emotions raw on a piece of paper. There are no ears to criticize or judge you. Just a canvass there to capture one's true emotions. It's like art to me. Why ? Because my thoughts can be super abstract, and make entirely no sense, even to me. At times I've had arguments where I've decided, "Ok, we need some space and then we can talk about this later.", After finishing my emotional PIcaso, I calm down and go back to interpret my feelings , into something that is safe to say out loud. I feel its only right to let emotions flow as they come. I look at it like the way people say things they don't mean when they're drunk or mad. It's just an outburst. There's rare times, when I've actually handed what I've written to whoever I'm arguing wit h and explained to them that, I don't mean what I say in my journal, but I just feel like I mean it. Then I let them know how I really feel. I don't know if people fin that hard to understand , but it definitely took me some time to learn how to manage my illogical outbursts. The following link is a great online journal as well as other tools such as a mood tracker. 3) 5 close friends/family Why is it that the people we know that care about us, are sometimes the last people w think to call. Is it the embarrassment of having to call again, or is it that we feel we don't want to be a burden. A good friend told me that we should have at least 5 people we can call at anytime of the day , that if we were in extreme danger would pick up that phone or call as back immediately. It could be a mentor, family member, peer, or just anyone you feel comfortable with. I've found that usually I end up calling at least one person if I don't know who else to. 4) Finally but NOT LAST AT ALL - YOURE HIGHER POWER. I believe that there is eternal life, and perhaps all of us might have spiritual differences, but I do believe there is some force we can tap into, that can give us patience, strength, and tolerance for others, but most importantly ourselves. I've prayed to God to forgive me for hating my disease at times. I've prayed for skills to control my condition. I've hated myself for having certain symptoms, but I can always count on the Lord to work magic, and make me feel better. For me, spiritual practice is a huge part of my recovery. Loved ones, we all have some. Lately, I've been experiencing loss of loved ones through incarceration and death. To add to it, I'm about to be a father for the first time. My mind lately has been on auto-manic, but I recognize it and am trying to manage. I feel like death and jail are two key events that can make everyone depressed regardless of diagnosis or not. A close family member, my brother, is incarcerated . They have a diagnosis, and are dealing with addiction. What hurts is that I sometimes used to feel responsible or at least feel I've influenced many of their bad choices. I see a mirror image of me years ago. I've often said to myself ."If they could follow me in my bad steps, why they follow in my good steps." The fear of their safety in jail does cross my mind. The initial letters I've received don't show much change in his mentality, but over time that has started to change. It's hard to be patient when you pray for someone daily. Especially, when the one thing you fear will happen, actually does. Patience has allowed me to receive new letters with a new state of mind. Instead of thinking will he go back in when he's out, I can sincerely say that I know him and I will be on the same path once again before the madness. Faith. Faith ? Faith in what ? Often, religion gets over looked by the mental health system because it is a "sensitive" topic. How would others feel if they prayed daily to a higher power to give them their life back, and nothing seems to change. As a peer specialist, I crossed paths with many who gave up on a God. I did too. People who lost their entire family,house,and earnings. Remember Katrina ? I felt God gave me a destiny to be "one of those", and to suffer. I felt not-even the Devil cared about my existence. I was in a early stage of recovery. If I didn't know what to do, how would others. What about those that gave up on me, and accepted that that's just the way I am. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. I've been taught that in the early stages of recovery. (Keep in mind that just because we seem healthy and successful doesn't mean we can't have and episode and go back to square 1. Unfortunately, it does happen.) that sometimes our loved ones must hold the hope for us. What I'm trying to say is this. People with mental illness, want to be recognized for their efforts regardless of how important /or minute they are to others. Here are some examples of options of what to say. NO HOPE STATEMENTS STATEMENTS WITH HOPE " I don't know what to do anymore" "I'm not giving up on us until we find a solution" " Bout time you got out of bed" "Good morning or great to see you up." "You'll never change" " We can both work on changing this. " " I hate when you're like this" "I love you no matter what. How can I help" THE KING OF ALL HOPEFUL STATEMENTS THAT HAS KEPT PEOPLE ALIVE THROUGH MENTAL ILLNESS I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. Here is a song influence by my brother's situation. |
AuthorI am Juan. I live with Bi-Polar and ADHD. I am in recovery and want the same for all my peers. Archives
August 2014
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