I have to say, this is the best milestone in my life. I have changed and taken the time to reflect on my new life. With that being said, I have to accept that I have bipolar all my wife has lots of hormones, I'm loosing sleep, and we're both super over-whelmed because it's our first time. I didn't find too many blogs from dad's and bipolars. I only found how their loved one's POV. Some is scary and some shows help. Obviously, I'll be taking this part of my blog very serious. Can't wait to bring my thoughts back and follow up. For now, I'm thinking about 10 million things right now. Congratulations to us, and stay tuned.
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I have bipolar. It's about managing a balance. That's what I know helps. BUT, what about those times when your mania has you working hard and focused for almost 3 days straight. ( I'm talking no sleep here ) It's times like this when I have to force myself to slow down and accept letting go of my manic high. ( Because , I love the manic me, and it's safe if I'm alone ) Creative-workaholics have a problem with letting go. BUT, in ways, that's what I know keeps me a prisoner of myself. It's times like these when I'm thankful I have a genuine spiritual relationship. I pray the rosary every morning ( the first thing I do usually ) and on days that I don't, let's just say it's a night and day difference. I say all that to say this. When I'm on my manic high, I'm so excited about catching up from all the depressed days that I didn't "get anything done" that I forget to pump the breaks and get centered again. There's something about putting yourself to the side and letting God go back to the front of the line. That' s something I learned in AA long time ago. But it is hard when an incontrolable disease trys to run you instead of you runiing it. Thing is, I sometimes do like something running me that makes me get things done. The gift and the curse. So how do us "mental illness" people handle religon ? As far as my practice is concerned, my gut feeling goes with Jesus Christ and Catholic practices, but I go to a Christian church. I read the Quron as well as the bible, and have had a curiosity about other religions since I was a kid. Today I am faced with becoming a father for the first time. Now, I'm facing a new spectrum of thoughts. I think in my experience, my mental illness has had an influence on how I found and lost my spirituality. I've talked to a good handful of people when I was a peer specialist that lived with schizzophrenia, and sometimes they had a intense beleif in religon to the point where it became their constant focus. What I suppose people would call dellusional. I find it facsinating. Here's what I found googling around. Free anger and humor. Any feedback is insightful, good or bad.
People say your only as good as the company you keep, and I have found that to be true. At times, my bipolar symptoms have blinded my actions and behavior as far as relationships are concerned. Perhaps some were for the better but for the most part, they were for the worst. Loosing friends, not being able to keep or make them was something I struggled with for many years. Before recovery, I struggled with being assertive and saying no as well as not speaking up for myself and letting my "friends" cross boundaries that I never set for myself. My depression had me co-dependent at times and my mania sent my friends running for the hills at others. Although I didn't know why I couldn't force good people out of bad people, I didn't have the tools to change my thoughts and shed light on my symptomatic decisions. As a peer specialist, and a person living with SMI, I'd like to share some tools and experiences that really helped me get through a lot of hard life experiences with relationships. After reading some of my journals and rap lyrics from the past, I recognized some specific symptoms I feel I had. In the next following days I will start breaking down these symptoms and how they networked with each other to keep me trapped in a circle of negative relationships.
Yesterday, I blogged about a new medicine. Now, In all honestly, I did not take any medicine the night before yesterday because I smoked at a huge concert. But, yesterday I knew I'd have to monitor this new med so I've been sober 4 days before the concert, and I didn't touch anything yesterday either. So my new med is tegrotol. However you spell that. Anyways, I was super tired last night. I thought well I have been loosing sleep lately. Could it be my girlfriends prego side effects. Obviously i googled/youtube carmazopine (however you spell that. ) I found a lot on drowsiness ! DAMN ! It seems like I can't win. I told the nurse I don't want to get back on depakote because of weight gain so now I feel like I'm possibly taking something that will not allow me to stay up late enough to work on music. If you know me, you know that I will be having some inner conflict. I will do as the Dr. says and go back on a mood tracker. Thank God , I see the Dr. next week. The thing that worried me was that the nurse told me stay off the wellbutrin because it's making my mania worse, yet told me to wheen off the lamictl, yet the pharmacy cautioned me about taking tegratol and lamictal, which the nurse didn't . I'm taking just the tegrotl once a day at 200mg in the morning with food until I see the Dr. Even if I experience BS side effects, I will do as instructed. I know my queen will help me get through this. Well, that is all for now . Wish me luck down medicine lane. Stressed and blessed. Oh and I did take 15 mg of adderol yesterday w the tegrotal. I get my rx next week so I figured whatever I might have laying around would be ok. I'm only supposed to be taking 10mg a day. I feel so accomplished yet feel myself fighting a lot of anger. I'm actually stuck on where to start writing. I'll try to be organized.
Well for starters, I've been on this whole tegrotal thing for about maybe 2 weeks, and I don't really like the fact that it makes me drowsy. NO , wait I HATE THAT IT MAKES ME DROWSY. Anyways, I just completed my first State NAMI Connection training in Dallas, and I feel so proud of myself. It made me realize that I have the power to teach people. It is a huge blessing. I was given so many compliments of how good a teacher I am. Compliments are such valuable validations for me. It's those actual words that hit one's ears that make me feel like I really don't just have an ego. I love helping NAMI. Mostly because it is one of the safest and nicest environments people could ever be in. I even had a participant tell me she would love and thinks I would be an amazing trainer for the WRAP program. Sometimes I feel like no one wants to listen what I have to say about recovery and lifestyle changes, but here it feels like people really do feel I know what I'm talking about. The feeling is beyond something I can write. When I came home from the NAMI training , it was really a surprise to find a very special email that helped me get back on track. DAMN THIS TEGROTAL MAKES ME NOT WANT TO WRITE SHIT !!! :( What I was trying to say is that, lately, I've been somewhat getting off track with my eating habits due to stress. For about 6-7 months I had been following a eating plan by Kimberly Snyder titled Beauty Detox Solution, and it made me loose a lot of weight as well as feel and look way better. The stress had me returning to nit picking fried foods, red meats, and a lot of sweets that I had completely left alone. When I got home, I had got an email from her stating that she would like to publish my story in her blog. WOW ! This is coming from a NY Times #1 Best seller. It reminded me that I had already transitioned and that it really isn't easy for a lot of people. It reminded me how much I had accomplished, and when I read the story I wrote that actually got me recognized, I noticed that I was having so much fun. I totally snapped out of it because of that letter. So what I'm trying to say is that I had got depressed because of life, started to eat wack again, and now I'm back on my BDS. All because of an email. Recogniztion. I think I just found a new blog to write about that makes sense. Just went to the 1st Dr.s appointment since my hospital release. I have no idea what I would do without Melissa. My soulmate has never feared what may come with this illness. Since my hospital release I have not smoked any weed, and I even went back to AA. Not drinking is a easy task for me. With those 2 things done, I thought everything would flow back to the regular routine. No, not necessarily the case. I couldn't see the doctor so I had to see a nurse , who told me to not take any wellbutren any more. Turns out that with all the positive stress, it's actually making me more manic. I had no idea , let along imagine they would try to change my medicine. They offered to take me off lamictal and on tegratol. First they tried depakote, which I confidently said hell no. Depakote made me gain a lot of weight. So now, I have to be another lab rat as I look at it. But , why be so skeptical. I've had bad experiences in the past, but why can't I focus on this actually helping me. It might just do that. I see the Dr. Next week, so I'll be able to get back on adderol. I never imagined I'd be having to change meds, but I guess life changes for certain reasons. I look at my hospitalization like a blessing the more I look at it. I'm happy my girlfriend decided to get counseling. I'm happy I called the cops on myself. The more I look at it , the more I feel somewhat empowered to at least have some part in the decision. Wish me luck as I change meds hoping for the better. I was super happy on what I was already on. I just fear that they'll translate my mania wrong. Sitting here a week after getting out of the hospital, I had to write about how good I feel. My recovery has been a wonderful journey filled with lots of pain, hardships, and confusion followed by blessing after blessing after blessing. I am happy because when I look around me , I see everything I wanted to happen happen. I've always to have the lifestyle that included waking up meditating, praying , yoga, getting my thoughts together, and having a career. Having bipolar made it hard for me to hold a job because of mood swings, anxiety and much more. After years of living in a dark cave, I prayed for a light to show me the way out. One tool was alcoholics anonymous. I'm not a drinker, but since that did trigger my last hospital stay, I figured why not revisit the past. I've come a long way , and I could have felt like I crashed and started all over. I am a server, a travelling artists, help out with NAMI, and a soon to be father. I find a way to manage exercise, eating very healthy, and still be able to handle my self care. I think what broke me recently is that I wanted to help so many people that I forgot to help myself. I realized that I can't rob anyone of their own life changes. I can just accept them as they've accepted me. I can only be patient as they have been with me. I can only stay positive. I have so many goals that I'm looking forward too. Lately I've had a lot of hardships , but GOD, GOD , GOD has been my everything. Regardless of a car wreck, getting pick pocketed for $900.00 , ending up in Green Oaks, I've managed to stay positive. It's just a reminder to me that I can handle this. No matter how bad it seems things are, they might not actually be. I'm sitting here wishing I had someone to talk to. Instead , I've found when no one's around (Yes, I know God is, and I have prayed) that I can find journaling therapeutic. With that being said, I'm here tonight/day to talk about my hospital release. I guess it would be logical to start off explaining what triggered all this. I don't want to let the world all my business, but I had an episode of mania and suicidal ideation. I called the police on myself actually. I did it out of fear of hurting someone. Lately, I've found it hard to be able to handle my fiance's mood swings. along that I've had to be the bread-winner since she has been out of work for quite some time. Obviously the career I have alongside becoming a dad for the first time. There's more, but you get the point. What can I say, I lost it. I ended up in Green Oaks , and thank God because the cops ( MIND YOU I CALLED AND ASKED TO TALK TO THE CIT UNIT) wanted to take me to jail instead of the hospital. Due to my wonderful girlfriend, she explained my condition to the cops and they took me to where I needed to go. NOT JAIL! As I rode in the squad car I could hear the cops saying I was crazy. Some CIT unit huh ? Yeah , Texas needs more education and transformation still. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I am not a drinker at all and that night I drank a lot due to stress. On with the story. The 1.5 day stay did me good. Unfortunately, they put me on extra medication :( , but it gave me time to reflect about the fact that I actually ended up in Green Oaks after more than 10 years. I THINK IT'S OK TO HAVE EPISODES NO MATTER HOW FAR IN RECOVERY YOU ARE. It's a realistic reminder that I have a illness that I can not control, and that I will always have to struggle with it. Like all lifes problems, it too shall pass. While I was in Green Oaks, I did have an interesting stay. There was an obese man farting like it was his last day on earth. Mind you his ass crack was showing and his gut was hanging out accompanied by ," You selfish bastards" after we people in the hospital ( I don't like to use the word patients) told him to have some respect for everyone. In addition there was a woman who claimed to be military trained and said "one chop to the neck and you're dead" repeatedly to one of the techs because he wouldn't give her a toothbrush the minute she demanded. He was trying to help another person out with some sheets at the time, and he kindly told her he would help her in just a second. On top of that it didn't help when someone in the room said " B(*&^ you aint gon do ^&(&*^ you scary , you aint gonna fight nobody. I'll pimp the (*&^(&^ out of you acting like you tough. I'll put a (*&^&^ in your mouth. " I have no idea why no one said anything to him. Mind you he said it twice and it was not in a low tone. Well she ended up swinging at the tech and they ended up putting her in silent confinement. She was never hit , and I was actually impressed with the way the tech blocked her punches but did not hit her. Also I almost got into a fight with the guy saying he would pimp the for for trying to help him out when one of the other techs took his water bottle. Other things were a guy who I believe was having delusions or psychotic symptoms because he was talking to whatever he thought was going on or was there. They gave him a therozine shot and he pretty much went to la la land. I think it was good to me because it reminded me how far I have come in recovery, but I needed to see what the hospital was like again. It let me see how much has changed for the good and the better. For one, I think the way they handled us was better. I just didn't like how the techs and nurses wouldn't say things about everything just things that posed threats. I mean I did think it was uncalled for for that guy to say " I'll put a (*&^ in your mouth" out loud in front of all the woman. Other than that, I had good food , they had a HD tv and we watched movies on FX. I'm out and I'll be going to my Dr. tomorrow to follow up. It was refreshing to see what areas could improve and what was better. I felt like a mystery shopper. There's still a lot of work to do. I especially confirmed it when I realized there was no Spanish translators at certain times of the day and some of the people there needed translation. Luckily , I was there. So with that being said, I have much more info and up to date knowledge to base my goals on and have a better compass. I would love to write more but my mania wants me to work on creative material. Thank you for those who listened to my rants. The following is from a response I posted in reply to a pregnant woman asking how to deal with her bf that has bipolar. I myself am new to this, but I would really appreciate any advice what so ever on this. I have bipolar, and the only advice I have is that it's super duper hard. Remember the mood swings during 1st trimester. Well, that is a light version of having bipolar. It is so hard because a lot of the uncontrollable mood swings that my soon to be fiancee has happen to be my triggers. I know about my illness through NAMI. National Alliance for Mental Illness. They have a program called family 2 family , which is a free course for people who have loved ones with mental illness. It teaches how to understand the illness and help us get through it. Episodes for me happen everything I have new intense stress in my life. The financial responsibility with her not working has made me iarrate and a complete mess. Sad thing is, I know it's bad for the baby. Now, all I do when she gets mad or furustrates me, that to be on the safe side I just pray and stay quiet. I then try to leave or do some exercise /yoga /anything that I can grab onto as a lifesaver to save me from flying off the handle. It suck because It leaves me physically drained, to the point to where my body starts looking depressed. She knows about my illness and thanks to God, I've found someone who goes to NAMI with me and learns about this illness with me. I don't like having it anymore than she does. And, I accept that I have something out of my control must like she has accepted me. But not trying to defend your bf, but all I can say is that it is extremly hard to keep your cool over something that takes over your mind like addiction does the brain. These are the main times where I have a hard time keeping my esteem up becaue I feel like I;m hurting the ones I love and I have no breaks ,untill its's too late. It makes me feel like a complete damned useless burden at times. But, I know it's my disease and that it's my choice everyday to choose to foucs on my recovery. I STRONGLY SUGGEST A LOOK INTO THE NON PROFIT THAT SAVED MY LIFE . NAMI Now I know this picture might make you think otherwise, but a better me is born. Becoming a father is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I've been saying that a Juan Johnson 3.0 is coming , and I have this thing about taking a long time to make decisions but sticking to them once they're made. This new me is about minding my own path. I guess I became a little caught up with all the hardships going on in my life. Brother in jail, my fiancee's father passing, my family's family passing. But, today, I realized it had reflected in my writing. Heck I even gained a little weight. Regardless though, I feel know that my mania is actually shifting into positive gear. I guess on the inside I'm cold and heartless because so much stuff I pray for not to happen happens. The thing is the more I think about it, I can't help to wonder if that's what it really is. Why do I put on such a positive act ? I feel like its because of the people around me hurting me because of their situation that I feel as if I have no choice but to be a super motivational influence and not worry about things that are out of my control. I feel like this blog made completely no sense.
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AuthorI am Juan. I live with Bi-Polar and ADHD. I am in recovery and want the same for all my peers. Archives
August 2014
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